Gordon Boys Lose Ground in Midwest

Officials perplexed; family concerned

Chicago, July 18 - Puzzled officials reported yesterday that two young newcomers to the city of Chicago are rapidly "losing ground". Although Baxter Gordon, 5, and 1-year old brother Lyle Gordon were previously known to family and friends as "bright and happy children", observers would not label them as such after just two weeks in their new home.

"They've simply wilted!" wailed the boys' mother, Jordan Sadler. "I don't know how it happened. One minute they were playing in the backyard sprinkler and the next thing I knew - well, you can just see it on their faces! And they look sort of, well, not so smart!"

Family and friends shared their alarm. "Is this what happens to Grandma's little sweethearts on a hot day in Chicago???", asks the boys' grandmother, Sharon Sadler, hoping that the change in the children could be attributed to heat alone. "Aw, shucks, all dem boys need is some straw between dem teeth," quipped Dara Dubosky, long-time friend and doula for the family. Others suggest that you can actually see IQ points slipping away when you look at the boys.

Officials agree that the case is atypical. "Of course, we see this all the time when children arrive in the midwest after a stint on one of the coasts," noted Dr. Herbert Smart, Chief of Pediatrics at Chicago's renowned Hospital for Declining Children. "However, we are more accustomed to seeing these changes occur over a number of years. Frankly, we are alarmed and puzzled by the excessively rapid change in the Gordon boys." Dr. Smart and his colleagues are continuing to study test results, but early evidence suggests that the cause is a combination of sudden high temperatures, too many lemonade popsicles, and shock from the unfamiliarity of a neighborhood full of children.

Sources close to the family also raised the possibility that the boys would be "better off" if Ms. Sadler resumed work part-time. "Clearly," said one anonymous friend, "she has too much time on her hands."